


New Game +

by carpfish



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, no beta we die like men, part 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:48:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24854857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpfish/pseuds/carpfish
Summary: It’s about seven weeks after his 25th birthday and three months into dating his best friend that Chigasaki Itaru finally realizes that he’s gay.Wait. No. Pause, scratch that, rewind. That sounds terrible. Even in the silence of the empty bedroom with nobody but Citron sleeping next to him, Itaru can feel a wave of intense judgment coming from the invisible audience privy to his thoughts.Okay, let’s try this again, and get it right this time.*****Chigasaki Itaru comes out to himself, twice. (Itaru character study with Citoita and past Tonooka & Itaru)
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru & Tonooka, Chigasaki Itaru/Citron
Comments: 26
Kudos: 120





	New Game +

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise to Citron because he spends most of this fic asleep, but he is important in my heart nonetheless.

It’s about seven weeks after his 25th birthday and three months into dating his best friend that Chigasaki Itaru finally realizes that he’s gay.

Wait. No. Pause, scratch that, rewind. That sounds terrible. Even in the silence of the empty bedroom with nobody but Citron sleeping next to him, Itaru can feel a wave of intense judgment coming from the invisible audience privy to his thoughts. 

Okay, let’s try this again, and get it right this time.

Itaru’s been aware that he was gay for a long time, long before he even met Citron. He had to have been aware, in order to know to hide it. The realization had come in middle school with little fanfare, when he’d scrolled past yet another piece of KniRoun BL fanart on his feed. _That doesn’t look terrible, I don’t hate it_ , he’d thought, followed shortly by, _I could probably be into men._ And that had been that. Just another thing to tuck beneath the mask, along with the games and wimpiness and every other pathetic thing about him. One of many misshapen puzzle pieces that would be discarded sooner or later once they didn’t fit the picture-perfect “success” that had already been decided for him. 

At the time, there had been more pressing secrets to hide, like the money he’d been skimming from his allowance to save for the new Cryo Trigger, or the barely-passed test papers balled up under his bed. Things that were more likely to be exposed and result in immediate consequences rather than his potential attraction to some nonexistent man that may but more likely may not exist in Itaru’s barrenly hypothetical love life. Even if Itaru _was_ into men, it was unlikely that he’d ever be interested in any 3D men, let alone actually pursue a relationship with one. This realization would probably amount to nothing more than flavor text that would never affect any actual story or gameplay.

So Itaru had simply filed away that information about his own sexuality, and resolved to deal with it in some other save file. It wasn’t a big deal and wouldn’t matter in the long run anyways. Itaru’s genre savvy, he knows how this route goes. Just like how wanting to play games all day didn’t stop him from having to go to school, liking men didn’t change the fact that he’d end up happily heterosexually married to a woman just like everyone else. He’d pick out a wife that his parents approve of, have to hide or sell all his games because she thinks they're dumb, and then maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll get to play KniRoun with his kids in ten or so years. That’s the true ending, for better or worse. 

Besides, it wasn’t as if he _disliked_ women. He liked Yuuka-chan from B5! well enough, and he was definitely attracted to her, otherwise he wouldn’t have spent all his new year’s money on her 1:9 scale figure that he hid carefully in the back of his closet so his sister wouldn’t find it. He’d date Lancelot too of course because _no shit it’s Lancelot_ , but it wasn’t like he’d ever crushed on a real life man before. Sure, he’d never been attracted to an actual 3D flesh-and-blood woman either, but that probably said more about him being a shitty otaku than it did anything about his sexuality. 

Then Tonooka happened, and Itaru still doesn’t know how to parse that, even now. Tonooka had happened, and it wasn’t like Itaru had wanted to date or kiss him, let alone anything further than that. He’d just wanted to play games and dick around, and be close to the one person in the world whom he felt understood him. It was pathetic and clingy and companionship-starved from an awkward teenage nerd who hadn’t had a real friend since elementary school, but it wasn’t romantic. Not really. In fact, Itaru remembers making a conscious effort not to go over the top and start talking about how hot Lancelot was, just in case it made Tonooka think that Itaru was coming onto him in a romantic way, which hadn’t been the case _at all_. Itaru had never thought of Tonooka as his boyfriend, just his best friend and deeply hoped that Tonooka thought of him in the same way.

That hadn’t stopped Itaru from dreaming about Tonooka at his side for the rest of their lives. Nothing too sappy, just dumb shit like getting together to have drinks and complain about work, or sneaking away to play Kniroun together while their wives looked after the kids. Itaru still doesn’t know if what he felt for Tonooka qualifies as a romantic attraction, but for a lonely introvert who’d never even thought about the word “romance”, his friendship with Tonooka had probably been as intense as any crush. Maybe thinking about it in those terms might have made things easier, rather than spending years after beating himself up for being so upset over the loss of him because _what are you, a shounen hero who believes in the power of friendship? He was just a friend and now he isn’t and that’s normal and people lose friends every day and it doesn’t kill them so you shouldn’t let it kill you._

Any thoughts of relationships, platonic or otherwise with people of any gender, had been put on hold for a long time after that. Looking back, Itaru’s college years are a blur of autoplay punctuated only by the occasional Taruchi streaming milestone. He knows cerebrally that he must have done _some_ things during that five or so year period between Tonooka and Mankai. But sometimes it feels like he’s a completely different person who was isekai’d into Chigasaki Itaru’s body at age 23 and ended up with a company job and streaming gig without really knowing how or why. 

Joining Mankai felt like opening up New Game +, where a million functions and possibilities that you never knew existed before are suddenly all available to you, or maybe like finishing the prologue chapters and finally entering the main game. Middle school Itaru wouldn’t recognize this future version of himself at all: adult Chigasaki Itaru is a strange riajuu-otaku-hybrid who lives in a dorm with 25 people and doesn’t hate it, has hobbies other than games but still gets to T1 on Yuuka-chan’s events, tries to be a reliable senior to a group of younger boys, regularly goes drinking with other adults on his days off, even got to _cosplay Lancelot in an official stage adaptation holy shit_ , and…

And has a boyfriend. 

Itaru finally tears his gaze away from the ceiling , not wanting to accidentally drill holes into the floor of Misumi and Kumon’s room. He turns slowly onto his side, careful not to wake the man sound asleep next to him. Even if Citron is a heavy sleeper, these bunk beds creak terribly with the slightest movement; any stealth mission attempted on these beds would be absolutely NG. It also means that the beds are high above the windows and perpetually draped in shadow, no matter the time of day. Right now, it’s late Saturday morning, far past when Chikage would have woken up and left the room, but still too early to wake up after how late they stayed up gaming. Itaru can hear the distant bustle of Mankai dorms going about their day, coming from beyond the closed door. But right now, on his bed, even with sunshine filtering in through the windows below, there’s something deeply intimate about looking at Citron’s face so closely in the low light. With barely an inch between them, Itaru can see the wisps of his long blond eyelashes resting against his cheek, the handsome curves of his nose and jaw, the undignified trail of dried saliva running horizontally down the side of his face. 

Itaru has a boyfriend, and the thought settles in him like the softest punch in the gut he’s ever had, spreading in his chest till it's almost hard to breathe. 

Itaru had always known that he’d liked men, but it had never been a problem because he never thought it’d matter. Just because he liked men didn’t mean he liked _only_ men, nor did it mean he’d ever date or marry a man. Taking on bonus challenges and hunting down optional boss fights was fine and well when it came to video games, but in real life, Itaru had hard enough of a time putting on a normal front as it was. The last thing he needed was to crank the difficulty up to Lunatic mode by making a whole deal over a preference he’d probably never end up pursuing anyways. He’d take having an easier life over opening himself up to a dating pool that would have zero interest in him anyways.

Three months ago, Citron had asked Itaru out, and honestly, for the first few moments, Itaru was sure he was getting punked. Citron—first prince of the Kingdom of Zahra, but also more importantly, a fellow member of Spring Troupe who’d practiced with, acted with, slept on stage with, and gamed with Itaru—wanted to date him. Completely unironic, romantic dating. 

Once his brain had finally grasped the situation, Itaru’s first thought had been “why”. But instead, he’d laughed weakly, somehow coordinated his facial muscles into an awkward smile, and said, “Sure. Why not.” 

And even after receiving such a noncommittal, weak-willed response, Citron had still smiled and said he was glad.

It’s not that Itaru _doesn’t want_ to date Citron, it’s just that he’s not sure if he _wants_ to do it either. It’s nothing personal, but relationships with 3D people are a lot of work that Itaru isn’t sure he’s ready for, and really cuts into his Yuuka-chan event ranking schedule. But spending time with Citron is always fun, and he’d promised to let Itaru rank during dates, so there’s no real reason to reject him. As long as things are light and casual, it basically just amounts to hanging out more with Citron, which Itaru is always happy to do. As much of an unsociable otaku as he is, Itaru knows that normies “see people” all the time, and it doesn’t always end up in an actual relationship. No need to freak out and get all serious about a couple dates, Itaru can just chill, take it slow, and see how things go.

And for the most part, things go… much better than Itaru could have ever expected, for any romantic endeavor involving himself. He and Citron go to arcades, eat copious amounts of shrimp sushi, and mostly spend a lot of time lazing around playing games in Itaru’s room. It’s pretty obvious that Citron is ready for Itaru to be his boyfriend from the moment he asked him out, but he remains the perfect gentleman, always happy to go at Itaru’s pace. Which is the pace of a geriatric snail, considering that Itaru’s not that touchy feely of a person in the first place, and completely inexperienced in all things romance. But somewhere between watching Citron’s face lit up from joy on the Dancerush machine, blindly grasping for his hand inside the closed booth of Dark Escape 3D, and curling up on the couch listening to Citron argue that the swamp witch boss in KniRoun 3 can be solo’d with a Muramasa build which is _absolute bullshit you Muramasa supremacist I’d like to see you try,_ Itaru finds himself thinking.

_Wow, I’m going to miss this after we break up._

Because it’s bound to happen sooner or later, right? Mankai, Citron, this thing they’ve got going on, it’s great, but there’s no way it can last, not with Itaru being Itaru and Citron being Citron. The more Itaru gets used to Citron’s casual touches and kisses on the hand, the more he wishes he could save right before the final cutscene and put the game down so it’ll never end, but real life doesn’t work like that. It’s really too bad, because one day day’s he gonna fuck up, Citron’s gonna leave, and Itaru’s never gonna stop comparing whatever girl his parents set him up with to Citron for the rest of his life. This game sucks, thumbs down review.

Itaru prides himself on being genre savvy, even if he hates how this route goes, so he tries to prepare himself for what’s bound to come. But Citron rolls over in bed with a snort and Itaru sees the texture marks from where his cheek’s been pressed against Itaru’s limited edition Lancelot collab cushion all night. It’s weird, but also completely on par for the course that _that's_ when it really hits Itaru. 

What if he doesn’t want to break up one day?

What if there is no wife and kids that he has to end up with just because?

What if he _wants_ to stay with Citron?

This is the moment when Chigasaki Itaru realizes that he’s gay, that it’s something that he wants, and something that’s an actual, real possibility for the future. This is the moment where the pressure in his chest tightens, and shatters.

This isn’t just a pleasant side quest to look back fondly on, Itaru’s always had the power to reroute the entire main storyline. And who cares if the boss fights get a bit harder, so long as it’s on the game that he actually wants to play? 

Citron stirs in his sleep, his eyelashes fluttering into wakefulness, until he catches sight of Itaru and raises his eyebrow questioningly, as if to say _were you staring at me while I was asleep? You pervert._

Itaru can barely form a response, busy feeling like his heart is bursting at the seams with how many options lie in the future, how many routes in the past were closed off without him knowing. And what do you even say to the man waking up next to you, whom you couldn’t even call your boyfriend just last night, but now you’ve realized you have the option of spending the rest of your life with? _I love you? Stay with me? Through falling for you I’ve accepted something about myself that I’ve tried to deny for a long time?_ There’s nothing he can say that will sound cool at this moment, but it’s fine because Citron knows what to expect from him anyways.

“You know,” Itaru croaks. “Your sleeping SSR is kinda gorgeous. No homo, but I’d whale for that.”

Citron raises his eyebrow even further, but his eyes dance with laughter like he _gets it_. And that’s everything that Itaru never realized he could ask for. “Full homo, I’d Tier 1 for yours. Mooring, Itaru.” 

_GG_ , Itaru thinks, as the invisible audience roars in applause, and slams down on the button to select New Game+. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, Yuuka-chan. Itaru can multistan.


End file.
